My family recently went through a major growth spurt. We went from 3 to 7 in a very short time. Actually I am blessed with a large loving family of siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. The family I am referring to are those under the same roof as me. After years of just my boys and me, I now have 3 teenage girls to love, nurture and shepherd through the ups and downs of daily life, mine and theirs. In the short time we have been a family, we have seen break ups, stand ups, successes and failures, let downs, high points, and a whole lot of fun. Mostly though, we see everyday life with homework, hormones, and the morning hustle.

As I learn to parent teenagers, I have realized how different it is from parenting young children. With little ones, you have to draw a tight box for them to operate in. As they grow you gradually expand that box. When they get to be teenagers, they climb out of the box, and the tie that binds them to you is "relationship".

So what is a relationship and how do you form that bond? I think of it like a rope. It is not one big, thick strand, but rather many thin strands twisted together. The more strands twisted into the rope, the stronger it is. The strands are "experiences", events, moments of truth, trust, loyalty, integrity, caring, listening, and understanding. For every event such as this, the rope gets stronger, able to handle more strain or tension. No matter how large or small the effort, the bond grows. In fact the little things mean so much. When someone takes the time to listen, a strand is added. When someone shares his or her feelings, a strand is added. When someone takes the time to care for the needs of another, a strand is added. And so the rope thickens.

The same works in reverse. There are things that weaken the bond. Every untruth, every act of selfishness, every frustration that is allowed to fester under the surface, serves as a blade scraping against the relationship, severing one strand at a time. They might seem small at the time, but an image comes to mind from many movies. The rope that holds the hero high above the dangerous chasm rubs against a rough edge as he swings perilously over his doom. One by one, the strands of the rope snap and fray, until the frail tendril can hold him no longer, and he drops.

Now usually in an adventure there is some miracle to save him, but here in the real world, we need all the safety ropes we can get. It's a big world out there with all kinds of pits and chasms. We need each other to stay up on solid ground. So build your rope with love, patience, forgiveness, and generosity of time and kindness for these are the ties that bind.

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© Andrea O'Neill, 2001 The intellectual property contained in this document is the sole property of the author. You may forward this to anyone you wish in its full and complete form, using the PDF download in the left sidebar. No portions of this newsletter may be reproduced without the sole permission of the author.